Shock-proof

This post should have been written quite a while back, when I was still reeling under the general shock of ‘thaeer sadam’ (Curd rice), ‘HR’ (pronounced hetch R), ‘where’s your native?’ and such atrocities. However, I thought I'd write about them anyway for the record, if not for anything else.

The following are a few instances when I was shocked out of my wits during my years in South India (Now that is an ignorant term…I should say, in Bangalore and Chennai). I’m sure you don’t have a clue. Let me explain.

Sample the following shockers. Most of these shockers cannot elicit a response. They are too shocking, and in most cases, I was dumb with amazement. On a few occasions, I have formed an opinion. The sections in bold, are my inputs.

1. ‘Where’s you’re native?’ First of all, this is incorrect English. It should always be ‘Where do you come from?’ This is a question that’s been bugging me since I moved to Bangalore. Later on, the question chased me till Chennai, and has stayed with me ever since.

2. ‘You are a North Indian?’ No, I come from East India, if you ask me. From a place called Calcutta, which has now been renamed to Kolkata. Kolkata is the capital city of West Bengal, which is one of the states of India. The map of the country seems to have dissolved into nothingness beyond Andhra Pradesh.
3. This is Bhanupriya from Hetch R. The moment you cross Orissa, ‘H’ becomes ‘Hetch’.

4. 'Why don't you learn Tamil'? Because I speak Hindi, which is the national language, and English which should be spoken all across the country. You have a problem? 'But I had to learn Hindi when I was in Mumbai. Why don't you learn Tamil in Tamil Nadu?' Oh, but you didn't learn Marathi. Both Marathi and Tamil are regional languages.

5. ‘Hi, I am Savitha’. That’s right. The Savita from Delhi, or Mumbai, or Kolkata, or Pune, or for that matter any other place in the world, becomes a ‘Savitha’ in the south of India. South Indian logic is that ‘th’ is the soft pronunciation. ‘Savita’ without the ‘H’ is much like ‘Beta’ with a sharp ‘T’ which is wrong. Okay, let’s agree for a change.
Now there is this place down the road that serves decent food and you also get live music over the weekends. So what’s it called? Ladies and gentlemen, it is called ‘Khaana Ghaana’. Now why that ‘h’ in ‘Ghaana’? Is it a piece of Africa? Does the removal of ‘h’ in ‘Ghaana’ make it a sharp pronunciation? How can you pronounce ‘Gaana’ sharply? Beats me.

The other day, a Bong friend called up...he knew about my general intolerance towards the unnecessary 'H' in Tamil English. The following bit is in Bengali:

"Aami ekhane Vellore-er Golden Temple-e eshechchi...bujhli? It says 'way to Dharshan'!" Bongs, stop doubling up with laughter!

6. ‘Satyajit Ray is a great director? Is he so famous?’ As famous as Balachander? No comments.

7. ‘Sean Penn won the Oscars. Great actor…what do you say?’ Oh but he is so subtle. Actors should be like Shivaji Ganesan. No comments.

8. King Lear? Never heard of him. The story that you tell me sounds like a Tamil movie. No comments.

And the hits just keep on coming. By the time I leave Chennai, if I ever do, I will be shock-proof. That’s a promise, to whoever is listening.